I'm Still Here! Are you?!

My dear sweet neglected readers,

I'm so very sorry for not updating. I made a foray into anonymous blogging on my "other" blog, which gave me a chance to vent, swear, complain, etc...and in the process stopped blogging here.  But I found that it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be, and it left me feeling like I was in an unhealthy place. And, I felt bipolar. So, I chose THIS blog, because I feel much more myself when I write here.

However, this blog has since moved servers over to Wordpress. You can find me at The Not So Perfect Mom. Pretty please follow me there. If you haven't already, also check me out on Facebook.

All my posts/comments, etc. were moved along with it, so have no fear: your much-appreciated and awesome feedback has NOT been lost in the shuffle. :)

Much love and grovelling,
The Not So Perfect Mom  xoxo

Sweetness Saves You

My son...oh, my sweet little monster, how you've challenged me these past weeks. Your toddlerhood has not been easy on us lately.
And then? You show me just how sweet you can be, saving us both.
"I want some juice, Mommy."
"That's great, but is that how you ask?"
"Please have juice, Mommy?"
I tap my cheek, and you give me a sweet slobbery kiss.
"Yes. You may have some juice."
"Thank you, Mommy!" with a beaming grin that's just for me.
Sigh. :)

Much Needed Brain Dump

Headache update:  Thankfully the headaches have stopped. Rather, an increase in my medication made it so I am not in pain. Whatever. I'm just glad it worked. No seizures, either, so I am doubly thankful. The experience made me stop and think, though. It made me remember the last long run of no seizure activity, and how devastated I was when they started up again. I realized the other day that I have been overconfident and haven't been taking as good of care of myself as I could be. The whole "take care of yourself, so you will be able to care for others" thing has kind of gone to the wayside. Wake up, dummy. You DO have people who depend on you, so make sure you're able to hold up your end of the deal.

I haven't written about the holidays, and I think it's because they went by in such a blur that I couldn't slow down enough to put my fingers to the keyboard and do a brain dump. Thanksgiving and Christmas were both wonderful. We spent both with my side of the family, which was nice. My husband's family is 5 hours away, which makes holiday travel difficult, but we plan to make a trip down as soon as we can.

Thanksgiving was a busy, crazy day at my sister's house, with the kids running around and playing, and lots of family squished together into a small house. It was nice...we enjoy just being together. My sister's father-in-law and sister-in-law were there as well, and they have become part of  "our" family, so it was a blessing to share the day with them. It was my niece's birthday the weekend after, so we took a little time aside and celebrated with her. I do believe that the girls (my daughter and my nieces) stole the show that day, marching around in dress-up clothes and having a little parade, with costume changes and everything.  

Christmas Eve was spent here at our house, just the four of us, as has become our tradition. I love waking up Christmas morning, relaxing with a cup of coffee as our kids tear into their gifts. The best part about Christmas this year was laying in bed hearing our 5 year old daughter come up the stairs from her room and squeak in surprise and joy at seeing her pile of gifts. Priceless. We don't make a big deal of Christmas presents, and I'm glad. The kids get one gift from Santa, a couple gifts from us, and their stockings are full. No huge piles of gifts so large the kids lose track of who gave them what. I feel like we are teaching our kids to enjoy and be thankful for what we have.

We've had some challenges with our kids, lately...well, I suppose I should say "as usual." Our youngest is now 2 years old, and that simple fact has kept me from selling him off to the highest bidder some days: my mantra has been, "He's 2. He is going to push buttons, and test boundaries. That's what 2 year olds do." That's not to say that we let him run the show, but reminding myself that he is in a normal developmental stage keeps me sane. 

Bee, our 5 year old, has shown some sass and attitude lately (as well as tattling and whining), which I'm sure is normal as well. Our kids are generally very good kids, so I am taken aback when she gets bucky. Oooh, the teen years are going to be interesting! I'm sure that some of her behavior has come from the need to stick up for herself while playing with her friend(s), and some her just being her emotional, sensitive self.

Even with those challenges, though, we have been noticing how well our kids play together. This is so fun to see, and we hope it continues. I remember being antagonized by (and antagonizing) my older siblings, so I know what it can be like! :)

This hasn't been the 5 minute "Stream of Consciousness Sunday" brain dump, because I've spent more time than that letting my fingers just *type* but that's okay. Hopefully I will be able to write more often, so maybe I can get back into that.

Have a great week, everyone.
xoxo

The Freight Train's A-Comin'

I humbly ask you to forgive my lack of posting on this site...it seems life has caught up with me in many ways, and I have had a slightly rude awakening to this fact.

In the past few months, I've been surviving life as it comes. Lots of laughter, fun, and love, mixed in with the usual hurdles and frustrations of life as we know it. It's hard to believe that it's been so long since I posted as the Not So Perfect Mom... I think I got caught up in my other little corner of the blogosphere on my personal online journal (blog) and corresponding fans, and lost sight of the simplicity of this one. PR friendly, honest, life-loving, centered on my version of perfect family life. So here I am, starting fresh in the new year, hoping to give equal attention to both sides of my brain (ha!) and give myself time to spew out the truth and creativity that's in my heart.

So here comes the honesty. If you know me, you know that I have a seizure disorder. Okay, let's be more specific and say I have Epilepsy. I don't think I've ever really explained exactly what happens and what it feels like, and it's hard to describe to anyone who has never had a seizure, but I am going to try...

I spent the few days surrounding Christmas in the throes of a persistent headache. On Day 5 (the Tuesday after Christmas), I finally got relief when the stubborn tightness in my back and neck released and my head stopped hurting. The headaches at Christmas time gave me a small icky feeling in my gut, saying You know what these headaches can lead to... (meaning, headaches can precede seizures). But they went away, and so did the gut feeling.

Fast forward to last night, New Year's Eve, 10:30 p.m., relaxing into a nice, quiet evening with my husband, welcoming the new year. BAM! Headache from Hell. Like I haven't had in months. The top of my head feeling like it wanted to explode.

Last night's episode began with the usual tell-tale auras that I have before I have a seizure, which give way to the feeling of a freight train headed straight toward me, with me literally unable to stop it. I've been seizure-free for almost TWO AND A HALF YEARS, so you can imagine my frustration in last night's events. Luckily, it was just (JUST?! HA!) a headache. But the screaming, pulsing pain left me curled into a ball with tears streaming, holding onto the top of my head trying to keep my brain in my head, and trying to keep my fear of a seizure from overtaking me. My sweet and caring husband by my side, lending me his strength not to panic, and just get through the pain.

Are you scared yet? I sure as hell was; I always am. I don't tell you this to gain sympathy or to shock you. It only helps people understand what MY seizures are like...all seizures are different. Did you know there are dozens of different kinds of seizures? Did you also know that there are people (sometimes KIDS) who have small seizures all day long (or all night)? Did you know that 1 out of every 10 people will experience a seizure sometime during their life?
 
Did you also know how stubborn I am? I refuse to let these seizures get me down. I refuse to let them interfere with my relationships and my everyday life.
 
Life sucks, sometimes. It's raw and painful and scary. But, as my husband says, we have a home, we have food, we have each other. The rest is just gravy.
 
I may be Not-So-Perfect, but I am ever so humbled.

Monday Ramblings

I'm totally going to brag right now.  Just forewarning you.

As we were waiting for the bus for preschool to arrive this morning, my 5 year old (gah! She really is 5 already, isn't she?!) was counting to 100.  By tens. Then by fives. She's in preschool.  Knock it off, kid, you're growing up too fast! 
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We went to an ECFE class last week, as is required for families who are receiving tuition assistance through our district. It's a parent/child class once a week, and we went, not really knowing what to expect. But guess what? We had fun!  It was totally the perfect place for us to do something different together as a family, and holy crap, I got to have an uninterrupted conversation with another mom! I've started to forget what that's like!

(In a side note, if you are a family who is struggling financially and could use a hand up, don't be afraid to ask for tuition assistance for your kiddo to attend preschool. If you get the paperwork in soon enough, you can get the assistance you need. Preschool is expensive, and you have to pay for it, even at a public preschool...that's one of those things I didn't think of when Bee was getting close to school-age.)
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I didn't get around to doing Stream of Consciousness Sunday this week, but maybe I'll try for next week. 

Have a great week everybody.  Thanks for reading!  xoxo

Bragging About My Kids

This morning was awesome. I got to hang out with the kids, enjoy their company and just be chill.  My husband had to go to work, unfortunately, but we made the best of our Saturday morning even if he couldn't be there to enjoy it with us.

When I got up and walked into the living room, my sweet daughter proudly presented me with this:

She had gotten up before anyone else (not uncommon for her on weekends), and quietly sat at the kitchen table coloring.  Have I mentioned how awesome and independent and smart she is?  If I haven't, remind me to start bragging about her from now on, because she is my favorite daughter.  Okay, so she's my only daughter, but whatever...she's the coolest little girl I've ever had the pleasure of spending time with.

She talks and talks and talks and talks constantly (like her Mama), except when she has her nose stuck in a book, and then she is silent and intent. It's so cool to see my four-year-old devour books the way she does.  She is reading books that I liked when I was little, so it's fun to see her getting into them so much.  She is so imaginative that she will read a book (or see a movie or t.v. show or whatever), and then play that she is the characters in that book/movie for months to come.  We often hear her talking to Totoro over tea, or playing house with Ellen Tebbits or, most recently, going on adventures with Junie B. Jones. 

And our son? Our (almost) 20-month-old wild little man with no fear and heart-breaking blue eyes? He greeted me with a devious grin when I opened his door this morning, and made me chase him to change his diaper. When he was set free to run, he immediately ran down the hall to find his sister. After breakfast, I found him like this:

Hey, not every man can pull off rock star jammies and Tinkerbell rain boots!  I call him Puppy, because he follows me everywhere. Including the bathroom these days, where he’ll make a beeline for the bath toys and proceed to spread them all over the bathroom in the 60 seconds it takes me to do my business.

He sat with me on the couch this morning watching silly YouTube videos on my phone, with his little head on my shoulder. Each time my collar bone would get in his way, he’d wiggle just a wee bit closer so he could find a soft spot to lay his sweaty head again, until he was practically laying on top of me.

Even if there are days when I have a running stream of frustrated cussing going through my head, our kids are awesome. They are crazy, funny, silly, sweet and smart, and they amaze us every day.

We. Are. Blessed.

Deep Thoughts From Within My Shower Walls

I got to take an awesome, hot, unrushed shower today (gasp), and a few thoughts occured to me (as all good thoughts tend to come to me in the shower, apparently).

First off, I LOVE the Eucalyptus Spearmint Stress Relief body wash and foam bath from Bath and Body Works. If I could buy it by the gallon, I totally would.

Second, my upcoming 2-year anniversary of no seizures (YAY YAY YAY!) seems to have coincided with the disappearance of some other random "symptoms," if you will, that left me fuzzy and buzzy. Hard to explain, and weird. And its disappearance is weird, as well; especially since I just recently realized it was gone, let alone realize that it existed at all. Sorry...rambling again.

Third, as I was getting in the shower, it dawned on me that we are fairly unconcerned with modesty at our house, which for some reason struck me as funny. It's a bit annoying sometimes, as it seems physically impossible for me to pee without a child in the bathroom or pounding on the door. But, overall it's a good thing. My son now knows the word "potty," and I'm hoping that this means he might potty-train early (HA!).

Fourth...ah hell. I had a fourth, I really did. But now my son is screaming and crying crocodile tears because I won't let him touch the keyboard.

So, ta-ta. Thanks for reading... 

xoxo